摘要：为了阻止妹妹再婚，今年9月，29岁的小满不惜以和家族决裂的代价，带妹妹逃离了生活二十余年的村庄。妹妹小敏是二级心智障碍者，28岁，结过一次婚，生过一个孩子，婚后不到两年便被退回娘家。家人决定再次将她外嫁时，她的离婚手续甚至都没办妥。姐妹俩逃到广州，以“最低生活需求”标准相依为命。如今新生活开展三个多月，许多变化在小敏身上发生，最显著的，是她尝试开口讲述。而借助这场逃离，小满也开始重新审视和父母、妹妹，以及故乡的关系。
文丨魏芙蓉 编辑丨王珊瑚
姐妹
小敏28年来有三次机会走出家乡，都是依靠姐姐。
第一次她20岁，被家里安排嫁给一个病怏怏的男人，上大学的姐姐领她去校园散心；第二次她生完孩子，被退婚回娘家，姐姐带她去了更远的城市旅游。
今年9月，是她走得最远的一次——再婚前夕，趁家人不注意，她收拾出一个小背包，钻进一辆汽车后座，汽车带她驶离大山，换上前往广州的动车，陪伴在身边的，还是姐姐小满。
小敏和姐姐只相差一岁。李家四女一子，小满老大，小敏老二，两个名字用当地土话念来是一个音，按父亲的说法，当年为逃避超生罚款，他给姐妹俩起了相似的名字。
姐姐小满是村里的第一个女大学生。19岁考上大学，李家家贫，仍大摆筵席。小满大学毕业后，出钱给母亲做手术，供弟弟读完高中，活成了父亲之外家里的第二个经济支柱。
妹妹小敏生来便是智力二级残疾，三岁才会走，小学三年级还不会写名字，便退学在家务农。她20岁结婚生子，此后遭遇了退婚、意外怀孕、堕胎，如今又被家里安排了另一桩婚事。母亲说，一个人若生来命贱，也就只能这么贱地活下去了。
姐妹俩的命运截然不同，但9月的这次出走，让两个女孩的轨迹再度紧密相连。为了阻止妹妹再婚，小满和父亲发生了激烈争吵、不惜以断绝父女关系作为要挟，最终在婚礼前夕，瞒着所有家人带妹妹逃离了老家。逃婚的经历被多家媒体报道，引起舆论关注。
现在，她们的容身之所是广州城中村一套月租900元的套间，卧室不到10平米，厨房和厕所狭小只容一人通过。小满工作在广州，此前已经在这里住了半年多，屋里原本只有一张书桌一把椅子，妹妹接到身边之后，她又在自己的书桌旁添上一套小桌椅。每天结束工作回到家，小满在大书桌前休息，小敏就趴在小书桌上看动画片、听儿歌，桌角还有几本公主画册和有声书。
小敏的小书桌。魏芙蓉摄
安静的氛围有时一个电话就会打破。从逃离路上开始，小满的手机就没消停，“妹妹是不是你带走了？”妈妈劝她把妹妹带回去。父亲的语气最严厉，微信消息一条接一条，“明天就要带回来”“不回来也可以，你们俩姐妹每个月要给我九千块钱”“这个钱除非我死了就不会问你们要了！”
老家每次来电，妹妹小敏就会把自己藏进窗帘背后。在广州，她仍处于极度不安中，走在路上时不时回头，担心爸爸跟来；在外吃饭，有陌生男人的位置她绕着走；听到“回家”两个字，她表情惊慌，“回哪个家？”
小敏身高只有1米4左右，光看身形，很容易把她当成一个八九岁的小女孩，晒得黝黑的脸庞上，只有那双眼睛里能找到一些28岁的痕迹——遇见陌生人，她习惯从上到下扫一眼，然后迅速撇开。一紧张，本就微驼的身子瑟缩得更厉害了，“像一只受惊的小老鼠”。
白天小满上班，小敏就被送去广州一家托养机构做能力培训。这是小满跑了三家机构，才找到愿意接受妹妹的地方，她不想总把妹妹锁在出租屋里。小满29岁，戴一副圆框眼镜，说起话来不紧不慢，声音很轻，神色中有种挥之不去的疲倦。
妹妹学费五千，再去掉房租，小满的工资几乎没有盈余，她计划以“最低生活需求”跟妹妹相依为命，缩减开支过了近三个月，没成想12月中旬突然被裁，经济状况直接滑向谷底，日常花销目前就指着花呗和信用卡。
失业了，小满也只是跟妹妹借口说，“最近在家里上班”。每到周末还像往常那样领着妹妹四处逛，图书馆免费，她们去得最多，小敏不识字，便在姐姐旁边安静翻图画书；偶尔也能借着赠票去趟海洋馆；商场的娃娃机前，小敏喜欢得挪不开眼，姐妹俩“哇哇”尖叫大半天，背走的玩偶足足撑满了半人高的袋子。
最后她们总会回到这间小屋来。晚上，一米三的单人床上除了姐妹俩，小敏依次安置好她的毛绒兔子、夜光小鸡。她们很久没有睡在一起了，这个场景像极了八年前，小满第一次带妹妹离开老家，大学宿舍里，姐妹俩也像这样紧挨着挤在一张窄床上。
小敏在使用姐姐为她买的有声书。魏芙蓉 摄
出走的人
“我刷了牙牙，洗了脚脚。”
“那个娃娃看我干嘛，它喜欢我？我是女的。”
“奶奶叫我跟着你，说你不结婚，跟着你去，老爸这么老了，养不起我……”
小满的手机里保存了很多关于妹妹的记录，有些是妹妹的“金句”，过去妹妹不爱说话，到广州后的点滴变化，小满都会记录下来。不过，手机中关于妹妹最多的内容，是多年来散落在各个社交平台上的寻人启事。妹妹频繁出走的20岁到24岁，小满总在寻找妹妹。
小敏喜欢把自己藏起来。小时候她溜去邻居家，躲进稻草堆、牛栏猪圈。15岁开始，她越走越远，山里、医院、公路上、ATM机旁、公园躺椅上，被找回来时，经常饿得说不出话，浑身脏兮兮的。
频繁出走的原因，家人猜测是为了逃避干活。辍学后小敏在家帮妈妈做农活和家务，不仅要洗全家的衣服，还得生火做饭、喂鸭子、种菜，遇上收稻子的季节，在田里更是忙得直不起腰。
之前小满不了解小敏，或者直接点，这个家里不会有人想了解她。小敏不爱说话，一次吐几个字，声音如蚊子般细小。家人那时候不知道这样的人叫“心智障碍者”，他们只是觉得她笨，不会读书，干活也不利落。大家习惯忽视她，朝她大吼大叫。她的房间在最暗的角落，剩饭剩菜也总是留给她的。
直到小敏结婚的消息传来。2015年，小敏20岁，家里定下一桩婚事，正在读大二的小满被叫回老家帮忙筹办婚礼。那次她带上了相机，她在大学刚接触纪录片，妹妹被这样仓促外嫁，小满总觉得哪里不对劲，这场婚礼成了她拍摄和了解妹妹的起点。
婚礼前几天，小敏坐在她黑乎乎的房间里，不停地抠手、抠捡来的树枝。姑姑已经陪住好几天，她安慰小敏，“他们不会虐待你”，同时也是看住小敏——一个月前她又离家出走了，一周后才被找回。
那是小敏第一次穿上这样漂亮的裙子，她身量太小了，一件白色的抹胸裙被当作婚纱。新郎住在县城，比小敏大四岁，有神经纤维瘤病，左臂长满瘤体，他用西装遮得严严实实的，额头渗出了汗。
镜头里，小敏杂乱的碎发被归拢梳齐，露出清晰的脸庞来。镜头也放大了很多情绪——后来小满无数次回顾这个片段——那是一张明显不开心的脸，眼皮耷拉，嘴角下沉，如果不是化妆师要求，她甚至不愿抬头看镜子里的自己一眼。
“当时就觉得有些残忍和荒唐了”，八年后小满说。但那时的她只是个学生，没有勇气也没能力做更多。她把妹妹的照片发在朋友圈，配文，“忧伤的新娘”。
后来是小满亲手把妹妹送上了婚车，她看着妹妹像个任人摆弄的娃娃，他们怎么说她就怎么做。婚礼结束，也是小满坚持要陪妹妹在婆家多住几天。夜里她躺在陌生的床铺上，闭上眼，全是小敏的惊恐表情，她无法入睡。
2015年，小敏第一次结婚。讲述者供图
事后看来，就在这场婚礼后，一些变化悄然发生了。小敏的出走变得更频繁，从过去一年一两次，变成隔几个月、甚至三五天就出走，有时摸黑回父母家，有时宁愿在街上流浪。母亲身体不好，作为长姐，几乎每次都是小满从学校回来帮忙寻人。
妹妹是好奇外面的世界吗？小满把小敏带出了县城，进入城市，来到自己的大学。大学门口，妹妹犹豫不前，小满拉起妹妹的手，她注意到妹妹的肚子隆起，觉得有点奇怪，但没往其他方面想。
小满还给妹妹买了蕾丝裙、玩具，她尽可能地关注和满足妹妹的需求，只有这样，心里的愧疚才能减轻些。就像后来寻找妹妹的路上她告诉自己的：“上辈子我们（家人）一定都欠了她的，现在，必须还。”
几个月后，小满接到妈妈电话，妹妹怀孕了，检查出的怀孕时间比她到夫家要早近一个月。孩子是谁的？她被谁欺负了？妈妈让小满回家弄清楚。
性侵，小满以前觉得这种事只会出现在电视上、新闻里，总之离自己很遥远。她那年21岁，对性“没有概念”，听见同寝女生讨论卫生棉条，都不知道“（用了）要怎么上厕所呢？”
现在她却要找出可能性侵妹妹的那个人。她想问小敏是不是被“欺负”了？不对，这么问妹妹听不明白，她必须更细节，更具体，更设身处地：有人脱过你衣服吗？比如脱你裤子？有人压在过你身上吗？
妹妹断断续续的回答中，小满拼凑出了一段模糊经历：乡村公路上一个骑摩托的男人把她拉进一间破屋“欺负”了她。
妹妹身体被侵犯了，小满觉得自己精神上被强奸了。好像被拉进破屋的不仅是妹妹，还有自己。
她要找到那间破屋，骑车带妹妹沿乡村公路一路停一路问，是这吗？他是从这儿把你带走的吗？她们顶着烈日从白天找到黑夜，没有更清楚的线索了，更别提报警。更糟糕的，小敏腹中的孩子已经成形，只能生下他。
为规避这类风险，小满先后给妹妹买了4个电话手表、2部手机。事后证明都是徒劳，没多久小敏就会丢掉。不管是挺着大肚子、生下孩子，她都没停止出走。
2017年，小敏消失最久的一次，小满整整找了半个月。她去派出所报案，在那里哭得浑身发抖，说妹妹智力障碍，不会保护自己，她害怕妹妹身上再次发生可怕的事。她在那里看了一晚上监控录像。
对小满来说，失踪的妹妹命运不定，连同自己也一次次被拽入黑暗中。她想知道妹妹为什么出走，也痛恨妹妹的出走，这些年她不论是考高中到镇上，考大学到外地，还是工作去了更远的城市，只要家里一个电话，“妹妹不见了”，她就得回来，和父母一起找。
2017年，小敏在走失半个月后终于被找回，没多久，妈妈发现她又没来月经。
小满寻找妹妹时在社交平台留下的记录。讲述者供图
脐带
小满见过一次小敏腹部的妊娠纹，姐妹俩到广州后，有次她本想为妹妹整理衣裤，撩起衣服，那些翻卷的纹路一不小心露出来，她被吓住了，还想看清楚些，小敏用力挣脱了她。
那是小敏第一次生育留下的痕迹，她小心掩藏，不让外人看到。至于那个孩子，她更少提起，逃婚前她有一次问姐姐的朋友：“你有孩子吗？我有……9岁了……他现在不是我儿子，是别人的了。”
结婚第二年，频繁的出走让婆家把她送回李家，但留下了那个非婚生的儿子。在小满看来，那桩婚姻里，妹妹其实就是“被当成生育工具”。
村里的玉玲妈就是这样，智力障碍的玉玲妈被人捡到，以1万多元介绍费“嫁”到村里来，和同样智力残疾的丈夫生了两儿一女。她也经常离家出走，最后一次走失，没人再去找她回来。
除了身边的例子，小满看到母亲多年来也沉陷在生育困境中。
小满出生后，十多年来，妈妈一个接一个又生了四个孩子。在那个江西大山深处的农村，几乎每家都想要一个儿子，如果头胎不是，很多人会一个接一个生到儿子为止。连续生下第三个女儿后，计划生育严查，小满爸妈就带着三女儿，一边在外地打工一边备孕继续生儿子。
六岁的小满和小敏被留在老家，很多年没有见过爸爸妈妈。上学路上看到和妈妈着装相似的女人，小满都会想起母亲，恍惚中把她当成了母亲。她偶尔会从大人那里听到妈妈流产的消息。直到小学五年级，妈妈怀了弟弟，才回来。
童年时期的小满很长一段时间都无法理解母亲。她怪母亲对弟弟太偏爱，不关注自己，以至于自己冬天的裤筒都遮不到脚踝。她为此跟妈妈吵架，妈妈骂她短命囡，拽她到门外，小满站在墙脚边骂边哭。
她也觉得母亲很“没用”，她坐完月子下田干活，使不上劲，遭人笑话；她种的稻子总是长满杂草；别人家的妈妈一年四季都能种出各种瓜果，自己家连吃菜都不够。母亲生下弟弟后，她在心里指责母亲，“你就是个生孩子的工具！除了生孩子你什么都不会！”
她决定用沉默来反抗，有好长一段时间都没有跟妈妈讲话。
母亲从小缺位，作为长姐的小满很早开始就像家里的第二个母亲了。四个弟妹，她独自拉扯过三个，从小村里人就说她比她妈更会带小孩。
但她不想重复村里女人的命运。当她考上大学离开家乡，看到城市拔地而起的高楼和庞大校园，心里瞬间冒出的念头是，“我妈什么时候能来看一下就好了。”这些年她迟迟没有结婚，父亲不止一次托人催促，她始终坚持自己。
现在她快30岁，对婚姻留有期待，但恐惧生育。母亲身上虽然没有妊娠纹，但生育在她身上留下了更多、更苦痛的印记，她经常会头痛，胸口痛，后来又得了妇科病，枕边常年不离风油精和滴眼液。
其实母亲不是逆来顺受的女人，家务分工方面，她曾跟父亲抗议，“我又不是你的保姆，（天天）给你做饭洗衣，你发工资了吗？”但对于生育，她没能从宗族和观念的束缚中逃脱，也指望用男孩为家庭稳固面子和地位。
看到母亲的伤痛、也意识到母亲的局限性后，小满越来越能理解母亲，理解她的“无知”，也理解她的“无用”。她看母亲的眼光有时更像看一个孩子，倔强要强却不懂保护自己的身体。
但在母亲眼里，生育是身为女人的命运。“你的苦别人替不了，谁叫你生下来是个女孩，是个男孩就不用受这苦了。”8年前妹妹小敏第一次怀孕时，母亲就是这样说的。小满听了忍不住落泪，她知道这话背后藏了母亲多少煎熬和无奈。
2015年，妹妹生产，小满第二天从大学赶回县城，看到大红色盖毯下露出两张脸，一边是粉色的、嗷嗷啼哭的小家伙；另一边，是额头布满汗珠、不知所措的小敏。小满被刺痛了，妹妹心智上就像个孩子，这个孩子要如何抚育另一个孩子？
没想到生育半年后小敏就被婆家放弃。2017年，离家出走被找回的她被发现第二次怀孕。在学校准备毕业论文的小满被叫回老家，复盘，带妹妹做检查，医院确认怀孕一个多月，又是一个未知身份的孩子。这次，妈妈给了小满几百块钱，让她带小敏去堕胎。
小满忘不了那天，她一个人站在冰冷的手术室门外守候。她23岁，没生过孩子，没谈过恋爱，却要第二次被迫面对妹妹的意外怀孕。
手术结束，小敏被推出来时，还未从麻醉药效中醒来，小满以为妹妹要死了，吓得慌忙摇晃她，小敏虚弱地睁开眼，两个人你看着我看着你，都没有说话。
妈妈叮嘱姐妹俩当天另找地方住，老家有传统，女人打完胎后不能回娘家，否则会招来煞气。小满没有理会，带妹妹径直回了家。她知道妥协不会换来安宁，只会孕育更多的荒唐，往后她不会再隐忍。
南方沿海地区的计生标语
主位
在小满的坚持下，小敏流产手术后一直住在娘家。小满毕业后也没急着工作，而是在老家住了半年。晚上，小满一边泡脚一边看书，妹妹就坐在自己身旁，她们一起做家务，一起跟母亲种菜。离家上学以后，她们少有这样的亲密。
后来小满去了外地工作，一边为妹妹咨询特教学校，一边防范她可能受到的伤害。听奶奶说，村里有男人曾招待妹妹去家里吃饭，她去警告对方不要有坏心眼；又听小敏说，有男人偷偷摸自己的手，她干脆去本村的微信群里喊话：如果有人敢伤害妹妹，她必定追责到底。
接近五六年时间，妹妹很少再离家出走。
安静的状态在今年3月被打破，妈妈在电话里告诉小满，小敏又要结婚了，女人终究不能留在娘家养老，会坏了风水，影响弟弟结婚。
“她嫁过去就是当生育工具！”这一次小满坚决反对，她说妹妹的智力只相当于一个几岁的小女孩，让她跟一个陌生男人结婚太残忍了，而且她担心妹妹会再次出走。为了阻止家人，她找了村干部去家里劝说，给亲戚、媒婆轮番打电话，甚至以断绝父女、母女关系相要挟。
穷尽办法也只是让婚期延缓了几个月。9月初，妹妹的婚事基本敲定，两家人商定不办婚礼酒席，男方直接把人接走，离婚、结婚手续后续补上。
被逼无奈，小满跟公司请了长假，回家阻止妹妹结婚，朋友王惠也前往帮忙，她的镜头记录下那些天父女之间的战争：
父亲李洪兵56岁，在镇上家具厂打工，那几天连日加班，晚饭他虽然不在场，但堂屋那张四方桌的主位总是为他留着。通常过了晚上9点，摩托车“轰”地一下停在院子，李洪兵板着脸一言不发走进屋里。父女俩素来交流很少，李洪兵在外人眼里勤勉老实，面对家人也不善言辞。
短短几天父女俩爆发了多轮争吵。“别说你妹妹，你这么大不结婚，丢我的脸！”李洪兵开始数落小满忤逆自己的桩桩件件：不考公、不结婚，最后撂下狠话，小敏的婚事没有任何商量的余地，“谁家女儿都要结婚！”
小满又去提亲的赵家做工作。准新郎35岁，四肢健全，离过一次婚，家里在镇上开理发店，看中小敏老实、干活勤快。男人说，自己和小敏是真心相爱，依据是他端午来家里做客，小敏一直摆弄他的手机。
父女俩的矛盾惊动了乡里和村里的政府工作人员上门调解，他们对小敏的婚事“既不支持也不反对”。最后强调，这样重大的事项，决定权还是在父母。
事情越闹越大。9月14日，赵家终于来李家退婚。一张白纸上列下李家全部要退的钱：定金6万多，此前的礼品、节日红包、路费一样都不能少。
大红袋子装着的一包现金，妈妈从里屋拿了出来，不想被李洪兵一把按在桌上，众人面前他伸手指向小满，“全部她来付”。气氛接近冰点。
李洪兵始终坐在堂屋主位上，面色铁青。另一侧椅子上，小满脸色同样凝重，“家里其他事我没管过，唯独我妹妹这件事我要管。”她一字一句，语气坚定。
僵持状态持续一上午，谁也不让步。最后母亲一把夺过4万多定金退还给了男方，剩下的缺口，她说服小满补上。看在妈妈的份上，小满同意了，那2万块，她得攒半年。
事情还没完，李洪兵怒意难平，他要求女儿在白纸上写下保证书，往后如果没有媒人敢上门、其他兄弟姐妹到了28岁没结婚，她就得赔自己60-100万。小满一口回绝，父女俩越吵越凶，李洪兵拿着茶杯就要冲上前，幸亏母亲及时把他推开。“那不是我应该给的！叫我还是没道理的！把我杀了我都不给你！”小满彻底崩溃，母亲把她抱在怀里，不停擦去她的眼泪。
堂屋的角落，小敏瑟缩着旁观了这场战争。另外两个妹妹都不在家，弟弟虽然站在姐姐这边，却不敢直接忤逆父亲，全程躲在楼上。
赵家一张张数完钱，带着捆扎好的现金离开了，李家重新陷入沉默。
这门婚事如此收场，李洪兵很沮丧。但他没有松口。9月16日，李洪兵去家具厂上班，堂屋的四方桌上，他在白纸上留下一行字，“这事还没完，我还有点事要说，你们等我下班回来再说。”
李洪兵在桌上留下的字条。讲述者供图
这时小满已经决定要带妹妹逃走。她担心相同的情况以后会卷土重来。
前一天晚上她就告诉了妹妹这个想法，第二天早上六点多，小敏背着包跑到房间把姐姐摇醒：衣服拣好了，什么时候出发？
姐妹俩逃离老家的途中，左一为小敏。讲述者供图
小敏
她注意到了爸爸留下的那张字条，她不识字，来来回回地看，假装能看懂的样子，然后一字一句念出来，“小满……你别走……你要赔钱给我”。
她问了姐姐的朋友王惠好多遍，“是不是我爸说不让我跟你们走，你们两个走就行了？”
二十多年了，身边很多人都把她当成笨蛋。比如上学时的同伴，他们给她起外号。比如邻居，总是笑话她，“又考了鸭蛋？”还有妈妈，衣服没洗干净、柴火没捡够，妈妈就骂她是猪。
“It’s not a duck egg, it’s zero points!” When she was a child, she would retort when neighbors mocked her. When her mother scolded her, she would sometimes get angry, “I’m not a pig!”
But few people would listen to her seriously. In the two-and-a-half-story house, everyone else lived on the newly renovated second floor, but she was assigned to the first floor, the darkest room. Her family often complained that she was eccentric; she secretly hid her younger sister’s new clothes and wore them herself the next day. Even so, no one thought of buying her new clothes, except for her elder sister, Xiaoman.
She knew that her mother didn’t like her, so she preferred her father—her father treated all the children the same, all equally silent. She also said that her mother never called her by her name, but her father called her “Min.” She would immediately wash the clothes her father took off, and as soon as he got home, she would help him heat the bathwater. She always said to Xiaoman, “Mom loves you, Dad loves me.”
For more than twenty years of being ignored and reprimanded, she became more and more silent, and her eyes were also timid. Even at home, if she wanted to drink water, she would have to look back first to see if anyone was watching her, if anyone would say anything about her. At night, she always curled up into a small ball on the bed.
This year she is getting married again, and a lot of people came to her house all of a sudden. They asked her: Do you want to get married?
She said, “Yes.” Her sister, and her sister’s friends, showed surprised expressions.
She added, “If I don’t get married, my dad will be angry.”
After being asked many times, she slowly said more reasons: If she doesn’t get married, no one will take care of her when she gets old. And her grandma also told her that people who don’t get married will be locked up in a nursing home, “There are many men there who don’t have wives, and the door can’t be closed… they will push you against the wall and hit you.”
Seven years ago, she got married once. She was afraid of her ex-husband’s sick left hand, and sometimes her hands would tremble when she poured water at home.
Now they arranged for her to get married a second time. What did she think? She said she wanted to go to that person’s house to watch TV; but as soon as she heard that the person ran a barbershop, with many strangers coming and going, she changed her mind, “I’ll go to the old house in their village and live alone.”
“I’m afraid of men, I’m afraid of my dad,” she kept repeating.
She was afraid of her father’s temper. When he was around, she didn’t dare to eat at the table. As soon as she heard his scolding, she would hide outside the door, in the corner, or on the roof.
She couldn’t understand the complicated situation, but she knew at least two things: her father wanted to marry her off, and Xiaoman didn’t want her to get married. In the lens, her face didn’t look as dull as before these days, and her eyes were always darting around.
Xiaoman and her friends were discussing in the room, and she hid in the corner to eavesdrop. After the crowd dispersed, she pulled Wang Hui and asked:
“Is Xiaoman going to leave?”
“Didn’t I get married, did my dad ask Xiaoman for money?”
On the day of the most intense argument at home, she was pulled into the room by Xiaoman and Wang Hui at night. Did she want to go to Guangzhou with her sister?
She said yes, the children in the family had all left the mountains, “They go to work, they go to school, only I am left at home.” On the country road, she once complained to Wang Hui with a pout, “I have to wash clothes, chop wood, burn fire, sweep the floor, my mom harvests rice, I harvest rice alone, I harvested a lot of rice for my dad, I’m so tired, my back hurts, I can’t stand it.”
On the day she left for Guangzhou, she packed her luggage early. But she was still uneasy, “I have to get a divorce before I can leave.” The door was closed, and she lowered her voice to the lowest, as if afraid of being heard by others, and whispered in a volume that only they could hear, “Dad won’t let me go.”
As the time for her father to get off work was approaching, she had no interest in feeding the ducks. She scattered a handful of feed in the duck pen and immediately turned to Wang Hui, asking when they would leave? After scattering the second handful of feed, she turned around again and said: If we don’t leave, Dad will come and catch me.
At 5 p.m. on September 16, they finally set off. Her father hadn’t gotten off work yet. She jumped into the car and hid her body in the blind spot of the back seat. When they arrived at the train station, she didn’t relax her vigilance either, “My dad also knows how to buy train tickets.”
The train door closed, and the high-speed train rumbled forward. She looked out the window, her father didn’t appear, and she covered her face and couldn’t stop giggling.
Xiaomin’s disability certificate, provided by the narrator
New World, Old Wounds
Three hours on the train brought Xiaomin to a brand new world. Her sister’s room was bright, the curtains were pink, and the display items took up half the table. “Your house is so beautiful,” she said on the first night.
Many things in the city were the first time she had seen them. She couldn’t tell the difference between high-speed rail and subway, and she was afraid that she would be taken back to her hometown when she got on the subway.
The way to adapt to an unfamiliar environment is to keep working. On the first day at the training institution, she cleaned up the messy open-air courtyard without saying a word. She had to wash dishes, sweep the floor, and wipe the table several times a day.
In order to help her sister adapt to the environment faster, Xiaoman took leave to accompany her sister. Later, she would go to the baking class and training lectures every weekend. In the combination of parents and children, the sisters were the most special existence.
Xiaomin made rapid progress. She could take the classes herself after three days of pick-up and drop-off, and she also learned how to use the refrigerator and open the password door. Many children with intellectual disabilities in the institution could only do it in three or four months, but she could do it in a month.
The most significant change was that she talked more. “What difficulties did she encounter before? Where was she going? What was she going to do? She never expressed her joys and sorrows.”
In just two months, Xiaomin’s catchphrase became “no.” “No!” she shouted, refusing to save her mother’s number in her phone watch. She found a hair in the food at the training institution, and the teacher asked if it was hers, “No! I don’t have it!” she firmly denied.
She could say longer and longer sentences. She had to share with her sister what she learned in class every day, what she saw, and the happy and unhappy things. She talked so much that Xiaoman sometimes couldn’t keep up. Now she often sits in the room and starts talking to herself:
“Who do you like? Do you like Mom? I like Grandma…” “Tell Uncle not to bully Grandma, she’s so old… Don’t let him ask Grandma to live in the old house, the old house will collapse and leak… He has no conscience…”
She was extremely weak when she was born. Her family said that her grandma saved her with rice soup.
The sisters are constantly getting closer to each other. Xiaomin would always bring the pastries made in the baking class home, even if it was a piece of candy from the teacher, she would keep it, “for Xiaoman to eat.” Her sister wanted to go to the lectures on the weekend, and Xiaomin acted like a spoiled child and said: “I want to be with you.”
Xiaoman had lived alone for a long time, and before work, she liked to read books and watch movies at home. Suddenly, there was another person in the 10-square-meter room, and she always felt something was wrong at that time. In addition, the government staff and aunt from her hometown soon found Guangzhou and persuaded her to take her sister home. Anxiety and tension came to her all at once, but Xiaoman always reminded herself, “Try not to think of her (Xiaomin) as a burden.”
During that time, Xiaoman learned to “observe words and expressions.” If her sister opened a book, she would consciously turn off the volume of the cartoon; once, Xiaoman was in a bad mood and slept in the room for most of the day. After waking up, she brought a pot of noodles to her sister.
Xiaomin is currently undergoing ability training at a foster care institution in Guangzhou. Photo by Wei Furong
The sisters lived together like this for more than two months. Xiaomin rarely mentioned her past life, and Xiaoman also tried to avoid mentioning words like “rural” and “hometown” in front of her sister.
But there are always times when it can’t be prevented. In October, Xiaomin fell and scraped her shoulder while crossing the road. When she got home, Xiaoman tried to unbutton her collar to check the wound, but Xiaomin tightly protected her collar.
Unlike eight years ago, when she first took her sister to review the experience of being “bullied,” Xiaoman now understands what these actions mean. Because she also had a similar experience to her sister—it was in 2020 that she was working in Shenzhen, and a male colleague sexually harassed her multiple times and forced her to be indecent in his residence.
In a way, that experience brought the sisters’ fates together like never before. At that time, Xiaoman struggled desperately and finally managed to escape, called the police, and filed a lawsuit with a lawyer. The man was finally sentenced to 10 months in prison.
But what about her sister? She didn’t shout, she didn’t resist. The person who had hurt her, in the inquiry before leaving home, she described a specific image—a man who used to come to her house to play cards with her father, and “bullied” her in Xiaoman’s room. Xiaoman was shocked again. In the bed where she had slept since she was a child, so many years, no one knew.
When Xiaoman entered that room again, she always felt like she was in a cemetery, cold, gloomy, and terrifying. Even now, when she brought her sister to Guangzhou, as long as she thought about the fact that the person lying next to her every day had suffered multiple injuries, she couldn’t even use the strength to type on the keyboard in the office. The self-blame for not being able to catch the suspect, “is like a thorn always stuck in my heart.”
After the sisters’ experiences attracted attention, the local police began to investigate Xiaomin’s sexual assault case. In November, Xiaoman learned from the police that the police had preliminarily identified a suspect by carrying out relevant work. Xiaoman formally reported the case for her sister in Guangzhou and accompanied her to take notes.
Facing the police, Xiaomin described more details in the notes than before. She said that the man who played cards had raped her twice, besides in Xiaoman’s room, and once when she was picking up firewood in the mountains.
Her sister’s mouth was moving, and Xiaoman could no longer concentrate on listening. She imagined that the man was in front of her at this moment, and she wanted a knife.
Xiaomin was also secretly harboring hatred for that person. “Dad should push him (the suspect) into the pond and drown him… He’s a big bad guy,” “I have firecrackers in my room… He bullied me, so I’m going to blow him up…” She said angrily while watching TV after returning home from the notes that night.
To Xiaoman’s surprise, her sister’s later words. She seemed to have quickly given up the idea of revenge. She remembered that the person also had a child, “I won’t blow him up, he brought a child, what’s the point of blowing him up?” Xiaomin said later.
Lost Hometown
In the past three months, Xiaoman and Xiaomin have left their footprints in many places in Guangzhou. In the photos taken by Xiaoman, Xiaomin is in a daze at the dolphins in the deep blue aquarium, chasing the simulated birds bought by her sister in the square, and her smile and body are more relaxed and casual than before. On a weekend in October, they returned to the rental house from the scenic spot, and Xiaomin suddenly asked her sister, “Where will we live when we get old?” Her father always told her before that she had to marry to have a place to live, “I don’t have a hometown, only Dad has a hometown.”
Xiaomin at the aquarium. Provided by the narrator
Deep in the mountains of Jiangxi, their hometown is a very small village, surrounded by mountains, with trees all over the mountains. A small road branches off the highway and winds to the entrance of the village. There are only about twenty households in the whole village.
The village is dilapidated, and young Xiaoman often fantasized about escaping her hometown. The deepest impression is an illustration in the Chinese textbook, with two children facing the sun and stepping on a green path outside the school.
“I don’t like the oppressive atmosphere of my hometown,” Xiaoman said that what she had always wanted to escape was actually the old concepts of her hometown, while the scenery of her hometown and her family were the parts she could not and would not give up. So even later, she went further and further, no matter how busy she was, she had to make a phone call to her family every week. Her younger siblings were in high school, and she helped them choose liberal arts and science; when she started working and had savings, she took the initiative to bear the tuition and living expenses of her younger brother in high school; this year, her younger brother is taking the college entrance examination, and she also has to help him check information and do homework, and list every volunteer application in detail. She is like a kite drifting further and further away, and the line behind her is always tied to her home.
But in September, when the conflict between father and daughter was the most intense, Li Hongbing said a harsh word, “You will die outside in the future, don’t die in front of me!”
Xiaoman said that the sentence was so desperate. Later, she returned to Guangzhou, and she couldn’t get into the spirit of her work. She was worried that she really wouldn’t be able to go home in the future. Her hometown accommodated her childhood, her siblings, and her mother, and she didn’t want to lose it. If she went back, how would she face it?
Not long after the sisters left, the women in the family resumed their calls, and her mother would occasionally joke, “Let me see (Xiaomin), has she turned white, she hasn’t worked for so long.” In the end, it would always fall on the same topic. Her mother was worried that Xiaoman was too burdened and urged her to spend less money on her sister, “Spending on her siblings will have a return, spending on her (Xiaomin) will have nothing.”
As for her father, she has never spoken to him since she left home.
Xiaoman never regretted bringing her sister out. She only regretted not making this decision earlier. According to the assessment of the special education teacher, the hope for her sister to live independently is actually slim. They often feel sorry for Xiaomin. Her ability level is not low. If there was earlier and more professional intervention, there might be more possibilities.
It was also during that time that Xiaoman reopened the documentary materials sealed in her computer. After that wedding, the filming of her sister actually lasted for several years, and because the process of finding her was too painful, it was finally shelved several times. Someone who had seen these clips questioned her, why didn’t you call the police when your sister was accidentally pregnant twice? After escaping the marriage, some people were also puzzled, why didn’t you stop her from getting married?
Xiaoman said that many people in the past would mention silence when describing their impression of her, friends, colleagues, including the person who violated her. “Silence is just because there is no direction,” she explained now, since what has happened cannot be changed, she will not allow similar mistakes to happen again in the future.
In late November, because she attended a friend’s wedding, Xiaoman went back to her hometown alone. It was more than two months after the escape from marriage. It was the first time she went back.
Her father was not at home, and her mother was very happy to see her daughter, and she was busy telling the neighbors that Xiaomin had made great progress with her sister and could work outside. Xiaoman didn’t stay too long, quickly packed some things, and left home before her father came back.
Xiaoman hoped that her mother could see Xiaomin with her own eyes. At that time, she would probably be surprised by her sister’s changes. Just like when she returned to Guangzhou that day, Xiaomin started talking to herself again, “How much did the little duck grow? Is Xiaojin (the dog) at home or outside? Is that big rooster at Grandma’s house? Where was Mom when you went home, was she drying the grain, will the grain get moldy if it’s not dried… Are there fish and grass in the pond… Is Grandma’s health okay?” Xiaomin, who had been with her for more than twenty years, also missed them.
Hometown will not go away. Xiaoman knows that she will definitely bring her sister back one day. As long as they are willing, no one can force them to leave, just as no one could ask them to stay.
(At the request of the narrator, the characters in the text are all pseudonyms)
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