Da He Ri Gong Yi Zu | What exactly are we discussing when we talk about betrothal gifts?

By | Da He

As the year-end and New Year approach, more people are getting married, and the topic of betrothal gifts is heating up.

The No. 1 Central Document for 2026, released on February 3rd, proposed to continuously address high betrothal gifts in rural areas and strengthen joint governance in adjacent areas between provinces. Guide the establishment of correct views on marriage, childbirth, and family, and cultivate a simple and civilized marriage culture.

In fact, since 2019, the issue of betrothal gifts has been included in the No. 1 Central Document every year, which has become a routine.

And this continuous attention also shows that the issue of betrothal gifts is like a stubborn stone, hard and deeply rooted.

The wording in the document, such as “rectification”, “strengthening”, and “guidance”, reveals a cautious and gradual attitude.

But we can’t help but ask: Why do these efforts aimed at regulating betrothal gift behavior often feel inadequate, and even have little effect in some places?

The reason may not lie in the intensity of enforcement, but in the fact that we have never really touched the most fundamental and core question:

What exactly is a betrothal gift under the legal and emotional framework of modern society?

We can try to examine the “betrothal gift” hybrid from several different perspectives:

Is it a conditional gift?

If we regard the betrothal gift as a gift “for the purpose of marriage”, then logically, once the prerequisite of marriage is not achieved, the betrothal gift should be fully returned.

This seems to be the closest explanation to the current judicial practice, which simplifies the marriage relationship into a contractual premise.

But this explanation also brings an awkward question:

If marriage can become a prerequisite for a property gift, where is the boundary with the articles in the “Civil Code” that involve “prohibiting the solicitation of property through marriage”?

Because a gift conditional on marriage is essentially a financial transaction.

Is it a compensation or gratitude to the woman’s family?

In many traditional concepts, the betrothal gift is regarded as a thank-you from the man to the woman’s parents for their upbringing, or a pre-affirmation of the woman’s future fertility value and family contribution.

From this perspective, the betrothal gift carries complex emotional and ethical values.

But once this concept enters the legal process, it will face the problem of being unquantifiable:

How to price gratitude? How should fertility contributions be calculated? If the couple fails to have children after marriage, is it a reason for return?

These questions will challenge the rigor of the law.

Is it a pure gratuitous gift?

This is the explanation that best fits the spirit of modern law “gift”, that is, one party voluntarily gives property to the other party gratuitously, and once delivered, the ownership is transferred, and the donor cannot arbitrarily revoke or reclaim it.

If we define the betrothal gift as such, then all transfers and gifts before marriage will be “given away”, regardless of how the subsequent relationship develops.

This is the clearest in legal theory, but in terms of emotions and traditional customs, it is probably the most difficult for most people to accept.

It completely separates the betrothal gift from the marriage, making it a purely personal property act.

And it is precisely because these interpretations—contract, compensation, and gift—exist in parallel in reality, and even intertwined in the same family and in the same person’s heart, that has led to the current situation:

When giving, one party may think it is an expression of emotion, while the other party thinks it is a necessary process;

And when the relationship breaks down and needs to be divided, both parties will choose the statement that is most beneficial to them.

The public’s perception is divided, and judicial judgments often need to repeatedly weigh based on the specific case, making it difficult to form a unified standard, and the result is “judged in a muddled way, and returned in a muddled way”.

Therefore, the key to the problem is not the amount of the betrothal gift, but that our entire society, especially at the legal level, needs to give “betrothal gift” a clear, unified, and exclusive definition.

Choosing any definition means a difficult reshaping of social concepts, but this is the only way out of the current predicament.

Once we have a clear legal scale, such as uniformly defining it as a “unconditional gift”, then the next step should be large-scale, high-intensity legal publicity.

To let everyone know clearly at the moment of giving or receiving the betrothal gift what the legal consequences of their actions are, and where the boundaries of rights and obligations are.

Many current discussions and policies often focus on the word “high”, trying to “cool down” through moral persuasion or administrative intervention.

This is certainly well-intentioned, but it is avoiding the core question—what is the legal definition of a betrothal gift?

As long as this question remains unresolved, then any regulation that does not touch the definition is only setting a vague restriction for a vague object, and the result will inevitably be that one gourd is pressed down and another one pops up.

These vague statements and conciliatory mediations not only fail to quell the controversy, but also make the conflict more intense due to the lack of clear rules and guidance.

Because in a game with unclear rules, speculators can always find ways to exploit loopholes, while those who follow traditions and are honest and trustworthy ordinary people (both men and women) often feel wronged and hurt because of the failure of expectations, and eventually become the biggest victims.

This may be why the more discussions about betrothal gifts, the more people’s resentment increases, and the more serious the antagonism between the sexes becomes.

Because as long as it is not clear what a betrothal gift is legally, then the so-called rectification measures are just being conciliatory.