Marriage has become easier.
The newly revised Regulations on Marriage Registration will take effect on May 1st. This means that both marriage registration and divorce registration no longer require a household registration book. However, due to many restrictions such as the divorce cooling-off period, even without a household registration book, divorce is not that easy.
“Marriage without secret payment, divorce Pinduoduo cut a knife.” Some netizens joked.
Indeed, every now and then, the “divorce cooling-off period” is pushed to the forefront of public opinion.
The most recent time was during this year’s Two Sessions, when CPPCC member Jiang Shengnan suggested deleting the clause on the “divorce cooling-off period” in the Civil Code—she last put forward a similar opinion in 2020 when participating in the deliberation of the draft Civil Code. Four years after the “divorce cooling-off period” took effect, people are concerned about its implementation effect and also worry about its side effects: if one party repeatedly withdraws the divorce registration application, the other party needs to repeatedly experience the divorce cooling-off period, and the contradictions between the two parties are likely to intensify as a result.
According to the data from the 2024 Statistical Bulletin on the Development of Civil Affairs, since the implementation of the “divorce cooling-off period” in 2021, the proportion of divorce by agreement has dropped from 86.1% in 2020 to 71.94% in 2023. At the same time, the proportion of divorce by litigation has risen from 13.9% to 28.06%—from this perspective, the divorce cooling-off period does not seem to have played a role in bonding the marriage.
On the other hand, the number of marriage registrations in 2024 hit a record low since 1980.
This trend is consistent with the observation of marriage lawyer Liu Wanlin. “Nowadays, people’s attitudes towards marriage have changed: since divorce is so troublesome, I might as well not get married.” Liu Wanlin is the founder of Hubei Meiyijia Law Firm. Last winter, during the hot broadcast of the fourth season of “Goodbye Lover”, she led a team of 60 lawyers to watch the program and open live broadcasts. This cross-border attempt unexpectedly became a window for observing the current state of marriage in China.
Recently, we interviewed Liu Wanlin and tried to clarify several key questions: In the more than four years since the implementation of the divorce cooling-off period, how has it reshaped Chinese people’s choices in love and marriage? When legal procedures may become emotional shackles, how to re-understand the essence of marriage? And before resorting to the law, are there other possibilities to solve the marital dilemma?
The following is Liu Wanlin’s oral account:
“Game” that cannot be easily exited
After the implementation of the divorce cooling-off period, the situation in our law firm is: couples who ask lawyers to help negotiate are more willing to go directly to the court to file a lawsuit and divorce through mediation. Because in a month, the court can reach a mediation, there is no need to wait for the “cooling-off period”. In the past, after the lawyer came forward to help them negotiate, everyone would go to the Civil Affairs Bureau to divorce by agreement.
This phenomenon has led to a certain “distortion” in the data of divorce by agreement in the civil affairs department: it does not mean that the number of their divorce registrations has slowed down, and the actual number of divorces has decreased, it may be that people have chosen a “circuitous approach”.
For impulsive divorces, the divorce cooling-off period does have a certain effect; but for those who have carefully considered their decision to divorce, they still want to divorce no matter how “calm” they are. Sometimes, the “cooling-off period” may instead exacerbate the impact and harm on both parties, such as the conditions that were finally agreed upon, one party regrets it during the “cooling-off period”, leading to the collapse of trust between the couple, mutual suspicion and suspicion, and finally both parties are unwilling to negotiate.
We have a client like this. Her husband gambled, and the two of them had already agreed that the woman would not want anything except the children, and she could take some money as the man said to help him pay off his gambling debts, and then they could divorce. But during the cooling-off period, the man borrowed money outside to gamble again, and asked the woman to fill the hole for him—because he wanted to seize this opportunity: since you want to get rid of me so much, right, then I will make you take out some more money. This kind of infinite loop is a very terrifying state. The two of them could have divorced at that time, but because of the cooling-off period, the variables increased, and the contradictions and disputes also intensified, and finally they came to us to file a lawsuit.
That is to say, with the divorce cooling-off period in place, it may lead to the fact that things that could have been negotiated well cannot be negotiated. The two people will be in a state of game—anyway, there is a 30-day cooling-off period, so I will wait and see, what if?
As for whether the divorce cooling-off period should be abolished, I think it cannot be viewed “in one fell swoop”, and it still needs to be treated differently depending on the situation. But it is very difficult to implement it this way. In the current situation where the divorce cooling-off period is still being implemented, if there is domestic violence and other serious faults, and there is also evidence to prove it, it is recommended that everyone adopt the method of divorce by litigation. The court has a green channel for domestic violence and personal injury, such as a “personal protection order”, which will be much faster in terms of time.
For those divorcees who have been hurt in marriage, no matter how old they are, they really need someone to support them. Because the parties themselves will have fear, they are not very hopeful about the future, and they worry that if they divorce, they will be worse off than they are now. When they use this kind of thinking to imprison themselves in a cage, they really need external help. For example, we met a child who came to divorce with his mother—generally, people who are a little older, as long as their children support them, they will feel a sense of strength psychologically. In this family, the man had domestic violence and an affair, and the woman endured it for two or three decades in order to support her two children to go to university. Later, she couldn’t bear it anymore, and her daughter also supported her mother to separate from her father.
There are also many litigated divorces that cannot be resolved quickly. If the litigation process is entered, the cycle may be more than two years.
Its core point is that when filing for divorce for the first time, in some cases, such as the court does not recognize the breakdown of the couple’s relationship, the other party does not agree to divorce, and there are no fundamental problems such as bigamy, domestic violence, and abuse or abandonment of family members, the court can first not grant the divorce. It will force a ban on litigation, which means that the plaintiff is required to cool down for 6 months before they can file a lawsuit again. Some contradictions arising from family trivial matters, such as conflicts between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, and educational problems, are not reasons for the court to grant a divorce.
Like the divorce cooling-off period, the core purpose of the ban on litigation is also to hope that everyone can treat marriage cautiously and rationally, and not make decisions impulsively. After all, it is very normal for two people to live together and have bumps and bruises. Moreover, marriage is not only a matter of two adults, but also involves two families, and may also involve the next generation, its relationship is very broad, so there will be a divorce cooling-off period and a ban on litigation.
But there is a very realistic problem here, which is the unfairness in property distribution. When the court does not grant the divorce for the first time, it will not deal with the property division. This gives the party who controls the property an opportunity to exploit—they may not really want to divorce, but want to use this time to transfer property. Coupled with the six-month ban on litigation, when filing for property division for the second time, some money and things may have been transferred long ago, and even been “legalized”. This is particularly unfair to the other party.
So whether it is the cooling-off period or the ban on litigation, I think that emotional problems can be cooled down, but the problems of children and property cannot be cooled down together, otherwise there is a risk.
Women are more likely to be harmed in “cooling-off”
Because the party harmed by “cooling-off” is mostly women, especially stay-at-home mothers.
Stay-at-home mothers put all their focus on the family, and the man is working hard outside to create economic wealth. Then in this marriage, the man is definitely the one who directly controls the property, he knows how much property he has, where it is, and the specific situation. During the “cooling-off” period, it will lead to the woman not being able to divorce and not being able to control the property, falling into a passive position.
We have handled a case like this, the woman is a stay-at-home mother, she raised her son and daughter very well, and the man was working hard outside. After having a third party, he wanted to divorce his original wife. But he didn’t take the initiative—because if he filed for divorce, the woman could make conditions, which would involve property division, so the man deliberately suppressed the woman, and used methods such as not going home to force the woman to file for divorce herself. When the woman filed for divorce, the man would say, “I’m working so hard outside, and you’re enjoying yourself at home, and you still want to file for divorce and divide the property”—he put himself on the moral high ground in this way and established an advantage.
After the woman filed a lawsuit, the man said that he had no property. Considering that the woman had been a housewife for a long time and did not have enough transparency in her right to know about the property, we applied for a court investigation order in the first lawsuit and locked down some of the man’s property information. The man knew that his tricks were useless and made a compromise on the property. Finally, they divorced through mediation—in a litigated divorce, either divorce through mediation or the court finally grants the divorce. The former gets a mediation agreement, and the latter gets a judgment.
In fact, in divorce cases, the mediation process runs through the whole process, and mediation must be done whenever there is an opportunity, to minimize the contradictions between the two parties. If they cannot be husband and wife, they can still be friends, and if they cannot be friends, they can still be the parents of the children. In short, try to allow both parties to handle this matter peacefully and calmly. After all, when it comes to the step of judgment, the estrangement and contradictions between the couple will indeed intensify.
Usually, couples who reach the step of judgment are either unwilling to compromise on property, or because they want children. For example, in a two-child family, it was originally thought that one person would want one, and this problem could be solved very easily, but now many people are not fighting for one, but for two. They don’t want the two children to be separated, and they worry that separation will have a bad impact on the children.
The increase in the difficulty of divorce is also related to people’s economic situation. The forms of property are enriched, and the things that cannot be divided are increased, which will lead to some trouble in divorce. In the past, divorce was about dividing houses and cars, but now it is more about intangible assets, such as company shares, funds and stocks, virtual currencies, and also the public accounts and online stores that are operated, which makes it not so simple to divide the property.
Many people choose to calculate the property very clearly before marriage, such as who pays for the house, whose name is written, who pays for the loan, and how the income is divided. I think this is right, we are beginning to face the essential problem of marriage. In fact, marriage itself is not a simple emotional problem. Dating is about whether you like it or not, but getting married is definitely not about whether you like the other person, getting married is definitely an exchange of two needs and values. It is better to make it clear in advance, which will be conducive to solving the problem later.
“Many problems don’t need to be endured”
I started working as a divorce lawyer in 2015. In the past 10 years, one change that I can feel is that everyone is getting easier to divorce because of trivial matters, such as the two parties not getting along and not being able to get together. But before, more major problems would lead to divorce, such as bigamy and domestic violence. I understand that this is a manifestation of people becoming more independent now. With the development of the economy, people’s tolerance threshold is decreasing, that is, “I don’t need to endure many problems”, and people will consider themselves more.
This may also be the reason for the “cooling-off period”, which is to let everyone recognize the essence of marriage—choosing to marry someone, you cannot only see the other person’s advantages, but not see the disadvantages, and everyone’s needs are changing. When conflicts arise, do not easily use divorce to solve the problem. Simply put, if you can’t swim, changing a swimming pool won’t help.
But at present, one problem brought about by the divorce cooling-off period is that everyone is not considering how to manage the marriage in the opposite direction, but feels that “divorce is so troublesome, then I don’t want to get married”. I have a client who thinks so. So many people don’t get married now, they just cohabit.
I think this is a good thing. Each era has different needs for marriage. In the past, people thought they had to endure because they felt that the two people needed to be bound together in order to have the ability to resist risks and the economy could be stable. But now everyone’s material living standards have improved, and they have begun to pursue spiritual pleasure. If the previous marriage was to increase the ability to resist risks, now many people are to find like-minded people and find spiritual pleasure. This is also the survival mode that determines the behavior mode.
More than 85% of the people who come to us for divorce are women, and the oldest is 70 years old, because they “can’t bear it anymore”. In contrast, men’s tolerance threshold for divorce is much higher than that of women. They can endure many problems, as long as they don’t cross the boundary and don’t trigger the bottom line, they are actually not very willing to divorce.
The 70-year-old woman I just mentioned, she had been tolerating her husband’s infidelity for her children. Later, the children all had their own lives, and the grandchildren were full, but the woman still did not get her husband’s respect, so she wanted to live for herself. Often it is like this, when women choose to divorce, they usually want to make themselves happy and happy, rather than putting the whole focus on their husbands and children.
With age, women are very clear about many problems. As long as you don’t touch her economic interests, she is not willing to get entangled in some small love affairs. She is very clear and independent, not entangled, that is, when you can provide me with economic value, I will be with you, you can not provide me with other things, you can play outside, I will protect myself very well. But once your economic value has problems, I will also quickly cut off with you.
I have a client in her 50s, she lives very clearly, unlike the stay-at-home mothers in the eyes of ordinary people, she puts herself first in her life. Her husband may not be very concerned about the family outside, but she doesn’t care, she says it doesn’t matter as long as you don’t touch my economic interests. But recently she found that her partner’s company’s business was in trouble, and she was very decisive about cutting off.
In recent years, I can clearly feel that the age range of people who want to divorce has become lower. In other words, young people do not reject divorce, they are very clear and sober, and they feel that if they can’t live well, they will separate, “I originally found someone to shelter from the wind and rain, but I didn’t expect that the wind and rain were brought by this person”. I think this is very normal. With the development of the economy, the independence of each person’s consciousness will become stronger and stronger. Because marriage itself is also two people combining to meet their respective needs, when one party feels that the other party cannot meet “my” needs, or when they can meet these needs themselves, they will not choose to tolerate.
We used to always say the seven-year itch, but now three years is a big hurdle. Many people find that they are not suitable for each other when they are about to have children, and then they cut off quickly. Generally, after three years, there will basically be children, and the marriage may be relatively stable after having children.
We also have some female clients who reconciled in court after filing for divorce for the first time, and also reconciled on their own after the first lawsuit was not granted a divorce. This situation is generally because the children’s problems or economic problems are not so easy to cut off, especially women are very easy to compromise and tolerate for the sake of their children, and want to keep a complete family for their children.
In fact, I don’t really agree with this behavior, this is not the fundamental way to solve the problem.
When there is a problem between the couple, and they have to maintain a marriage that is only a facade, it will not be good for the children. Children are very sensitive, and what they want is a loving family atmosphere from their parents. If the mother is not happy, she will unconsciously expose some emotions to the children. The children will also feel a lot of pressure, and feel that “Mom is doing this for me”, and they will have a strong sense of guilt and will not be happy.
65% are mediated
Divorce seems simple, but it actually involves too many emotional and relationship problems, and it does require lawyers to have a certain sentiment when dealing with these problems, and to have a special interest in dealing with people’s relationships.
For us, what we pursue cannot be simply using legal rules, but being able to help them use the legal rules flexibly, and truly solve their problems, so that they can really shake hands and make peace in the chaotic and hostile relationship. Therefore, marriage lawyers should have a big mission and vision, which is to hope that every party in the marital quagmire can have the courage to start again.
Of the more than 6,000 divorce cases we have handled, 65% are mediated.
Sometimes when I hear people say that marriage lawyers are divorce lawyers, I will correct them and tell them that marriage lawyers are not divorce lawyers, nor are they house-breaking lawyers. The very important value of marriage lawyers is to buffer conflicts between couples and avoid unnecessary conflicts. If a marriage lawyer does not hold an attitude of mediation and reconciliation, but simply goes through the procedures and resorts to any means to achieve the goal, there will be problems.
The reason why I wanted to be a marriage lawyer in the first place was largely due to a marriage and family case I did during my internship.
I remember that client very clearly, she was a party who had suffered domestic violence, and she was in her 30s. She was afraid to see her husband, and her husband was very terrifying in her imagination. After hearing her statement, we didn’t think too much at the time, and we directly chose to file for divorce. When the court opened on that day, her husband brought a group of people over to take the woman back. In court, the first thing he did when he saw his wife was to reach out and pinch her neck and say, “How dare you divorce me? Go home”, very ferocious.
My first reaction at the time was to go to the client and knock the man’s hand down, and say to him, “Pay attention, this is the court, don’t be too arrogant”. I found that I was not afraid of that state at the time, but I felt that the girl needed help very much.
The most magical thing about this case is that after the court session that day, the man found a group of people to block the door and not let us leave, and finally we left under the escort of the court police. But can you imagine? In such a sharp relationship, we finally helped her divorce by agreement in this case.
At that time, we contacted the man and wanted to see where the misunderstanding was between them—if the words were not made clear, the woman would have to hide for the rest of her life. Divorce is not the fundamental way to solve the problem, nor is the court’s judgment. When we contacted the man, he said to us, “She wants to divorce, why doesn’t she tell me herself, and use this (going to court) way to make me lose face?” After we learned about the man’s mentality, we adopted the method of divorce by agreement. Later, the man also helped the woman pay the lawyer’s fees. When he handed the cash to us at the Civil Affairs Bureau, I was particularly touched: a person who was like a demon in court, became a “little obedient” when divorcing by agreement.
After that case, I realized that in marriage problems, one thought is heaven, and one thought is hell. If handled well, everyone is kind, and if handled poorly, it will arouse malice, and people will also become terrifying. People are often living with their own imagination—it’s not about putting yourself in the other person’s position first, but completely standing in your own position, first defining you, and then finding evidence to prove that your definition is correct. If because of imagination, so many misunderstandings, differences, and conflicts have arisen in marriage, it’s really a pity.
Discover more from 自由档案馆
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.