On October 16, 2024, Sha Bai (real name Zheng Feng), a 43-year-old teacher of TOEFL in Shanghai, who suffered from lupus erythematosus and uremia, began to release a series of countdown videos on her video account, titled “Trip to Switzerland (assisted suicide by an institution)”. On October 24, the last day of the countdown, the topic “Sha Bai’s euthanasia” topped the trending searches, triggering a huge controversy on the Internet that lasted for several days.
On October 30, Mr. Zheng, Sha Bai’s father, confirmed to Phoenix.com from his home in the suburbs of Shanghai that his daughter “passed away peacefully” in Switzerland on October 24.
The week after Sha Bai’s “travel countdown” ended was also the most intense week of the Internet public opinion storm. The author of Phoenix.com went to Sha Bai’s past work and life locations every day, looking for everyone who knew her in real life (rather than online). In a week, Phoenix.com successively visited the manager of the jazz bar that Sha Bai often frequented, a neighbor in the community who played badminton with Sha Bai’s father for many years, an aunt from the garbage management station who became a close friend because her son and Sha Bai were patients, the person in charge of the Spanish club that Sha Bai attended, a former colleague from the training institution, the staff of the studio, and the students she taught. Finally, on the afternoon of October 30, they got through to Sha Bai’s father.
“It’s all over, thank you for your concern…” On the other end of the phone, the 78-year-old retired senior high school mathematics teacher sounded gentle and polite.
“It’s not up to oneself to get sick. What can you do when God arranges for you to get sick? And this disease is beyond recovery.” Speaking of his daughter’s final choice, Sha Bai’s father said that he “had to accept it even if he didn’t accept it”. “At that time, she told me (to go to Switzerland), there was no other way. If I didn’t go with her, she would have to go by herself. If I went with her, it would be a little easier on the road.”
As for the overwhelming negative comments, Sha Bai’s father said, “The child is gone, whether you say I’m bad or good, it has nothing to do with me.” He was just glad that Sha Bai’s mother didn’t go online, otherwise “she would definitely be so angry that she would vomit blood”. “I just took a look and ignored everything. There are many people talking nonsense on the Internet, and no one stops them. They don’t think about it, we have already experienced a painful experience, what’s the point of hurting us again?”
He gently pleaded with those who were discussing on the Internet, including those who were speaking up for the old couple and blaming their daughter for being unfilial, “Don’t comment anymore, let us live a peaceful life.” “It’s meaningless to discuss the deceased again. Whether we are good or not, it doesn’t hurt anyone. If there is any harm in this matter, it is to the family. Who do we two old people rely on?”
Phoenix.com: When she first said she wanted to go to Switzerland, it must have been difficult for you to accept.
Sha Bai’s father: You have to accept it even if you don’t accept it. She has to do what she is determined to do, and you can’t change her. Besides, her body was really painful. At this stage, if she didn’t take this path, she would have passed away in pain. So she chose this path, which is relatively decent and painless.
Phoenix.com: Before the final stage, you would often advise her to take care of her health and listen to the doctor’s words during the many years of illness.
Sha Bai’s father: As for my daughter, I could only talk to her in a roundabout way. If I told her directly, she wouldn’t listen. She really didn’t cherish her own body, so all this was arranged by fate, there was nothing I could do. Health is more important than anything else. Without health, you have nothing. Don’t you think so?
Phoenix.com: Some of her behaviors were relatively dangerous to her health, such as going to New Zealand to sunbathe. Have you ever stopped her?
Sha Bai’s father: She refused to accept any criticism from us. She was financially independent and didn’t live with us, so there was no way to stop her. Cherishing life depends on oneself. It seems difficult to cherish it by external (forces).
Phoenix.com: Mom these days…
Sha Bai’s father: This blow is very cruel to her (mother). What could be a bigger blow than this? It doesn’t matter if the money is spent, and it doesn’t matter if the house collapses. Once you lose a loved one, there’s no way to get them back.
But this didn’t happen suddenly. We have always seen her attitude towards her life for a long time, so we were both shocked and not shocked when it came to this step. Shocked means that something inappropriate happened, right? Not shocked means that this lifestyle, this living habit, this disease, and sunbathing, she didn’t pay much attention to it herself.
Phoenix.com: She said in the video that there were some emotional knots between her and her mother.
Sha Bai’s father: Her mother’s health was not good, so I went to take care of everything that happened to my daughter. We provided the house she lived in and the cost of (running the studio), so it was meaningless to complain to her mother. If her mother didn’t let me give it to her, I couldn’t give it either.
She has a strong personality and has always had a good relationship with me, but not always with her mother. But this can’t be blamed on anyone, it’s a matter of personality. Her personality and her mother’s are prone to conflict. Every family has its own difficulties. Many things are innate. What can I do if my daughter is naturally good to me?
Phoenix.com: Looking back, do you think you might have spoiled your daughter a little too much, and let her do whatever she wanted?
Sha Bai’s father: I have never thought about this question. In the past, I could meet her reasonable requests, including housing. If she needed money for any (entrepreneurial) project, I would always provide it to her. We only have one child, so what’s the point of keeping the money? We gave it to the child. But God arranged it, her health was not good, there was nothing we could do. Otherwise, after we die, the property we leave to her, even if she doesn’t work, she can live the rest of her life steadily. If she doesn’t want the money, then we can use it ourselves.
Phoenix.com: Your daughter’s friends have contacted you these days.
Sha Bai’s father: They have contacted me, but I thank them all. First, I don’t want to trouble everyone, and second, my health is still okay. I can still take care of myself when I encounter something now. If I really can’t take care of myself one day, we have a nursing home near our home, and we can go to the nursing home.
We don’t care anymore. We can live for one year, we can live for two years, and we leave it to fate. Anyway, it’s unlikely that this society will bully me, because everyone is watching. Besides, I still have so many students.
Phoenix.com: This matter has had a great impact, and there are inevitably some negative voices on the Internet.
Sha Bai’s father: The child is gone, whether you say I’m bad or good, it has nothing to do with me.
I want to say to (those who comment on the Internet), I hope you don’t comment anymore, let us live a peaceful life. Her mother doesn’t go online, (otherwise) she will definitely be so angry that she vomits blood when she sees these things online. I also took a look and ignored everything. There are many people talking nonsense on the Internet, and no one stops them. They don’t think about it, we have already experienced a painful experience, what’s the point of hurting us again?
It’s meaningless to discuss the deceased again. Whether we are good or not, it doesn’t hurt anyone. If there is any harm in this matter, it is to the family. Who do we two old people rely on?
Phoenix.com: Are you two old people in good health?
Sha Bai’s father: My wife and I live in the suburbs now. We both have retirement salaries and a house to live in. We don’t think about it anymore. We eat well and sleep well every day, and we don’t get sick. What we fear most now is that if one of us gets sick, we can’t go forward or backward. Getting sick, especially when we are old, is a big blow to the family.
Phoenix.com: Some people say that you have been taking care of your daughter for many years because you have Alzheimer’s, which is very difficult.
Sha Bai’s father: (Alzheimer’s) is not a big problem. I feel it’s an old-age disease. Hearing loss and vision loss are normal. I can live normally now, buy some food and cook something to eat every day. This disease may not be good in the later stages, with intellectual decline, and eventually develop into dementia. I haven’t reached that stage yet.
Her mother has not been in good health for a long time. She has had heart disease and hepatitis. Her constitution is not good. I take care of some housework at home, cook for her, and make sure she doesn’t have any major illnesses. Now I do all the housework. I have also thought about it. I will hire a caregiver to help me in a while. After all, I can still do it now. You know, I have been to Switzerland.
Phoenix.com: Sha Bai’s mother is not in good health, so you are arranging your future life.
Sha Bai’s father: I don’t care about arranging my future life. When I get old, it’s over, and I’ll hand it over to the state. I don’t think about these things now.
What am I going to do with the money now? I don’t want anything. I used to want to leave money to my daughter so that she could live a better life in the future. Now we two have retirement salaries and live a normal life. We can save the money we can save. In case we get sick in the future, the cost will be relatively high. We can afford to hire a nanny. Although siblings may also help in the future, we mainly rely on ourselves. In case something happens, we can cope with it.
To be honest, we have nothing to look forward to now. We seem to know that this day will come sooner or later. We live one day at a time, and I don’t want to trouble anyone. I feel pretty good now that I can take care of myself. We don’t want to trouble our relatives either. After we leave, everything will be handed over to the state.
Phoenix.com: It’s so sad to hear you say that you have nothing to look forward to.
Sha Bai’s father: It’s always better for the young to send the old, and it’s also an abnormal phenomenon for the old to send the young. It’s relatively sad in terms of material, affection, and all aspects.
It’s not up to oneself to get sick. What can you do when God arranges for you to get sick? And this disease is beyond recovery.
Phoenix.com: Do you have anything you want to say to young people?
Sha Bai’s father: I just want to say one sentence, take care of your health, it’s more important than anything else.
All the quarrels and noises are small things, taking care of your health is the most important thing. As long as you have a good body, what does it matter if you have more or less money? If you have less money, eat less at home, and if you have more money, play around. If you are in good health, you will be in a good mood; if you are not in good health, no one can save you, and no one can help you.
You must cherish life, life is more important than anything else.
Sha Bai’s English studio, Lighthouse, is located in an apartment building in the center of Shanghai. It used to be Sha Bai’s parents’ home. Five years ago, the old couple moved to the suburbs and vacated this house to support her in starting her own business. The original two-bedroom and two-living room were renovated into four classrooms.
The community’s garbage sorting station is next to the studio. Aunt Yang, the administrator, last saw Sha Bai about three weeks ago. They have known each other for many years, and they became close friends when Aunt Yang saw the fistula on Sha Bai’s arm. She knew that it was for the dialysis catheter—her young son had suffered from kidney failure and had also undergone four years of dialysis.
In the past, every time she saw Aunt Yang, Sha Bai would greet her warmly and ask about her son’s condition. In Aunt Yang’s eyes, she was a “straightforward, capable, and individual” girl. Before the Spring Festival in 2024, Sha Bai told Aunt Yang that she had decided to go to Switzerland.
“She told me that she couldn’t bear it, she couldn’t bear it anymore, and she was going to apply for something, get a shot, and I said no, but I could understand what she meant, she wanted to die.” Aunt Yang is a rural person and cannot accept this concept. She would persuade her every time they met, “I said you are an adult, you can’t do this, how cruel you are to your mother and father… I said you will be unwilling if you leave…” Aunt Yang said that Sha Bai would complain “that she didn’t speak well”, but she would also listen every time.
Unlike Sha Bai’s fate, Aunt Yang’s young son waited four years for a kidney source, and the kidney transplant surgery was successful, ending the long torment. Sha Bai was happy for him and carefully inquired about the details of the kidney transplant. For many years of illness, the axis of Aunt Yang’s family was to work hard to earn money to treat her young son. After the surgery, he was afraid of being tired, and the young son never worked again, but stayed at home to recuperate and took medicine for a few hundred yuan every month. “When he was on dialysis, he didn’t want to live either, saying, Mom, I don’t want to live, I want to jump off the building. I said if you die, what about your child. I told him that he had to be strong.” Aunt Yang said.
In the early stages, Aunt Yang would meet the 24-hour caregiver who took care of Sha Bai. Later, she only saw Sha Bai’s father taking care of her, “One trip a day, (sometimes) coming early in the morning and leaving late at night”.
One day in early October, Sha Bai came to say goodbye to Aunt Yang, saying that Auntie, you won’t see me anymore. “My (persuasion) ability is limited…” Aunt Yang sadly told Phoenix.com, “It’s so sad. Her parents are very pitiful.”
On October 27, the author of Phoenix.com came to the community again. Security guard Zhang and Aunt Yang both said that they saw Sha Bai’s father earlier that day. “Teacher Zheng’s mental state looks okay,” said Zhang. That day, the online public opinion had fermented for several waves. Some people questioned “Sha Bai’s hype” and rumors that she “supported organ trafficking” and “advertised for a Swiss paid suicide organization”. Zhang was embarrassed to come forward to comfort him, and waved to Sha Bai’s father from afar, and the other party also nodded in response.
Mr. Zhao (pseudonym), a neighbor who lived upstairs and downstairs from Sha Bai’s family, is Sha Bai’s father’s badminton partner for six or seven years. They used to play badminton together every morning at six or seven o’clock. After Sha Bai moved in and opened the studio, Mr. Zhao’s time to walk his dog happened to coincide with Sha Bai’s time to go out. “I don’t know if it’s because of the illness, but her complexion was not very good, it was dark. There is a dialysis patient in my old house on Hengshan Road, and his complexion is also like this.”
In Mr. Zhao’s eyes, Sha Bai “this child is a genius”, “She understands both science and engineering, studies architecture, understands English, plays the piano so well, and dances so well. Isn’t she a genius? She has so much perseverance and confidence to do so many things, it’s really not easy.”
Sha Bai’s father didn’t have the chance to play badminton often after moving to the suburbs. In July, Mr. Zhao also invited him to come back to play on WeChat, and Sha Bai’s father replied, “I will come if I have time in the future.” “Now it seems that he won’t come (for a while), this matter has had too much impact.”
Mr. Zhao said that although Sha Bai’s father is an intellectual, he is strong. “He was still a math teacher a few years ago, teaching high school students.” He is more worried about Sha Bai’s mother, who is ill. “She seems to be living a secluded life.”
Sha Bai loves jazz music, and the Heyday jazz bar, which she frequents the most, is only a little over a kilometer away from her studio. Andy, the manager, has known Sha Bai for six or seven years. He said that Sha Bai likes to sit in the middle, the closest to the stage, and would ask him to reserve a seat in advance. She would also bring one or two friends every time she came.
Sha Bai’s last time to listen to music was on September 10, 2024, a Tuesday night, and she came with her best friend. Andy remembered that she was wearing long sleeves and her face was a little swollen. During the intermission of the performance, Sha Bai suddenly asked if she could improvise a song with her good friend. Andy didn’t know that she could play the piano, and was very surprised. He asked them what they wanted to sing, and she said she would sing the theme song City of Stars from the movie La La Land.
That day, more than 20 guests filled half of the bar. Sha Bai and her friends seemed a little nervous. “After singing the whole song, the singing and playing were well coordinated, and the audience applauded. Then they went back to their seats and continued to drink cocktails,” Andy said. Until then, he didn’t know that Sha Bai was a patient. At the end of September, an American jazz singer who performed at Heyday forwarded Sha Bai’s video to him and asked him if he knew a person named Elizabeth. Andy only learned about Sha Bai’s condition.
“You can’t tell that she’s a patient, her conversation, her whole state, (so) we would feel why she didn’t insist on treatment, (why didn’t she) try again.” Andy used a series of words such as “independent”, “confident”, “cheerful”, “sunny”, “strong aura”, and “straightforward” to describe the impression Sha Bai gave him, and then paused and said, “I think the state I see as a bystander is completely different from the state she actually experiences herself.”
He said that musicians say that jazz is a kind of music that emphasizes improvisation, which is also a common characteristic of people who like jazz: freedom. “We feel sorry for Sha Bai’s death, but maybe it’s a relief for her.”
The last message he sent to Sha Bai was at 4 a.m. on October 23. “I said I mustered up the courage to send you this message, and I said that I have no words to describe your attitude towards life… I admire your courage.” “She didn’t reply in the end.”
Sha Bai’s last illness was at the end of 2023, and in May 2024, she was still working while undergoing dialysis. In September, she also took a TOEFL student. She posted on Moments saying, “I don’t know what I’m thinking, just for fun.”
A few months ago, Helen, a former colleague and friend, offered to visit Sha Bai, but was rejected. “At that time, she had severe edema and didn’t want to see people. I understand.” She said that Sha Bai had said that she would not hold a funeral.
Sha Bai worked hard and played hard. She would post pictures of travel scenery, food, and small thoughts on Moments. “In the past, she traveled alone or with students. In the past two years, she has frequently taken her father,” Helen hopes that everyone can pay attention to “the fact that she could still share videos and publish many controversial topics when she was seriously ill and in great physical and psychological pain, which is very courageous.”
“I knew she had plans for euthanasia a long time ago, and I supported her. My attitude towards death is somewhat similar to hers. My father passed away when I was a freshman. He was in the late stages of cancer and was in extreme pain. My mother and I told him at the time that he didn’t have to hold on, and he could leave with peace of mind. The doctor said he had at most six months, and he held on for a year and a half. From then on, I knew that I had to live every day well and let every day follow my heart and have no regrets. My mother is also a person who likes to explore and is willing to accept new things. So I worked hard to earn money and took her to all the continents. I had to cancel the tickets to Antarctica because my grandmother was critically ill, so I didn’t go.” However, Helen said that her thoughts have changed recently. “I have a child recently”, “The responsibility of children and family will make me consider more, and I will put my own order behind”, “If I get sick, I will follow the doctor’s advice.”
Coco (pseudonym), a former TOEFL teacher at Sha Bai’s studio, hopes that everyone will pay attention to Sha Bai’s professional achievements. “The amazing thing is that almost all of her students can get good scores.” Training institutions inevitably encounter a few students who are not mentally healthy, and Sha Bai will also guide them—guiding their mentality and oral English together, and the results are always good. “I don’t know how she teaches, but students are willing to go back to her class again and again, and are also willing to share their lives with her. Some very autistic children dare to speak to her, and I think this is remarkable.”
Besides work, Coco remembers that Sha Bai would prepare cat food for the stray cats outside the studio windows, play table tennis with her father in the living room when she didn’t have classes, and when Coco herself had severe pregnancy reactions and couldn’t attend classes normally, Sha Bai comforted her gently, praised her husband as a warm person, and that it was a very pleasant thing to have a child with him, which would bring a new meaning to her life. In short, Sha Bai in her eyes “loved life, worked hard, and was open and aboveboard, she was a great person and a very warm female boss.”
“So I think those things on the Internet are actually influenced by the snippets that were taken, and it feels so chilling, like wow, a few pictures can change the opinions of netizens, and we teachers all feel very helpless,” Coco said. “I feel that it may be led by marketing accounts, you know, it’s for traffic, they will find topics that may cause discussion to take screenshots, and things will become like this. After experiencing the whole process from beginning to end, I really feel that not many of the news outside are true, and not many of the information we are receiving now is true…”
As for the impact of Sha Bai’s videos, Coco said that she and another teacher had seriously discussed it, and they both felt that those videos made them cherish their current lives even more. “I have always believed that every choice she made was to make life better, not what the Internet said for the sake of looking good. If I were in her situation, I might not be able to achieve what she did, it’s very tiring to teach classes, and it’s also very tiring to run an institution, even a very small one. She has to take care of her health and do so many things, I really admire her.”
On August 19, 2024, Sha Bai posted on Moments, saying that she hoped to donate all her useful organs to the hospital. “This is my last contribution to society.” A few days later, she learned that because a large amount of drugs had to be injected into her body during the assisted death process, her organs could not be donated, and she “couldn’t stop feeling disappointed”. At the end of August, she began to frequently mention that she was suffering, “How long can I bear it?”
Yoyo is Sha Bai’s TOEFL oral English student. She pushed the timeline forward and found that Sha Bai was in the period of illness when they were taking classes, but Sha Bai didn’t show it at all, nor did she mention it. The mental state she conveyed to Yoyo was optimistic. At that time, Sha Bai was still called Elizabeth. Because there were two teachers with the same name in the institution, she took the initiative to give the name to another teacher and changed her name to “Sha Bai”.
When Yoyo saw that someone on social media had posted the rumor that “the Sha Bai who went to Switzerland has returned to China”, accompanied by “hahahaha” and “crying with laughter” emojis, she was very angry and replied, “This is not funny at all, she is really gone.” She told Phoenix.com, “I stood up to speak for her, just because I felt that this was the most basic respect for a deceased person and reverence for death.”
“I think she was brave enough, whether it was the twenty years of treatment or the decision of euthanasia, she felt that this was enough for her to explain to herself. Later, I saw some negative comments, which was quite surprising. I don’t agree with the so-called views of selling human organs and other views, but I don’t want to attack anyone either. Maybe the unfortunate people in this world still account for the majority, so there is a lot of hostility.”
Almost all the interviewees are saying that the “Sha Bai” that has been reprocessed on the Internet has become a person they don’t know at all.
Some netizens spliced together screenshots of Sha Bai discussing “why not have a kidney transplant”, saying that she “supported organ trafficking”. The complete video content expresses that even if someone voluntarily donates a kidney to her, it is not legal, and even if it is legal, the waiting time is too long, and her other organs have reached the point of no return, so there is no need for a kidney transplant.
In March 2024, Jiang Chao, the person in charge of a Spanish club in Shanghai, learned that Sha Bai was ill through Moments and introduced her to a kidney transplant doctor. Based on the aforementioned reasons, Sha Bai refused. Like Andy, Jiang Chao and Sha Bai met because of their common hobbies. For a long time, he didn’t know that Sha Bai was ill. He remembered that Sha Bai often went to the club to share her travel experiences, loved life, and was infectious. Not only was her English good, but her Spanish and French were also fluent, and she was also learning Italian.
A netizen who claimed to be Sha Bai’s Italian teacher publicly posted her chat records with Sha Bai on social media. The records show that after another illness in February 2024, she was “close to uremia”, needed three hemodialysis sessions a week, and her mother was a cancer patient (Sha Bai mentioned it in the video as nasopharyngeal cancer), and her father had “moderate senile dementia”. In the process of taking care of Sha Bai, she lost her ID card and two wheelchairs, and “got lost dozens of times” during the trip. In the conversation, Sha Bai expressed her concern about her father’s condition and proposed that she did not want to continue to burden anyone due to her increasingly serious and irreversible physical condition.
After a previous (2018) sudden illness, Sha Bai had the idea of “experiencing more within a relatively short life cycle”. She began to make travel plans, including destinations such as New Zealand and Jordan, which have strong sunlight (strong sunlight may induce or aggravate lupus). Sha Bai wrote, “I don’t know what I’m thinking, but one thing I’m sure of is that I want to live my life to the fullest at the cost of a shorter life cycle.”
After Sha Bai’s death, Phoebe Chen, the former partner of Sha Bai’s studio, published a short article of remembrance, and wrote at the end, “On the last day, I asked her if she was nervous? She said not at all, and I said okay, that’s it, Dad, we will take care of you.” She has contacted Sha Bai’s father and will visit him when the old man is willing.
Sha Bai’s father told Phoenix.com that in a few days, he will set off for a trip to the United States. That was the last time Sha Bai arranged a trip for him before her death and prepaid all the travel expenses, hoping that he could go out and relax.
Yu Ying also contributed to this article.
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